contemplative

[as a warning, this post is full of junk floating about in my head at the moment and nothing about art. so if u'd rather not read about personal stuff about me, feel free to ignore this post completely. i promise i won't be hurt. ;) i'm just using this time to express my thoughts without having to buy a diary. cuz these contemplative moments don't happen often enough to fill a book. kekeke]

with the deaths of farrah fawcett and michael jackson fresh in my mind, its tough not to get to thinkin. nothing profound, mind u. i'm not that deep. just thinkin in general. seems like cancer just circles around me and i'm just not a big fan. one of my favorite comic artists of all time, Michael Turner, died of cancer last year. my sister's mother-in-law (pretty much an aunt to me) dies of breast cancer last month about a year or two after her own sister dies from it. my co-worker's dad has it. one of my Godfathers from my wedding has it. i mean unless my family's been hiding it very very well from me, it seems like cancer has become a bigger problem lately than it was when i was still a kid. not really sure how i feel about it.
then michael jackson. what an amazing icon to just be gone. but what i really hate about this time is how everyone just seems to wanna speak up and say what an amazing person he was. how passionate he was about his music, how lonely he must have been not having had a childhood, how misunderstood he was in his actions. and yet i can't help but wonder, where were all of these comments when he was still alive?! and these comments are always coming from public figures like tv personalities and radio hosts. but when he was still alive, everyone was just short of throwing stones at this guy because of how disgusting they thought he was or how crazy they figured he ought to have been for doing the things he allegedly did. i mean, i understand u never speak ill of the dead but i was just sitting waiting to hear "thank goodness he's gone from this world." NOT to say that i feel that way because i don't. i just figured the angry mob that was ready to hang him for all those cases would finally have their closure. and yet they all hide behind their well-wishing thoughtful words. weird how people react when someone dies. just like if a teenager gets shot at 4am due to gang violence on a tuesday, u always hear the same thing. "he/she is such a good kid." "...always listens in class." "...never makes any trouble with anyone." "...got along with everybody." but nobody seems to wonder - well what the heck were they doing out at 4am on a school night?!?! i just wonder when someone will get on tv or speak in front of a school on graduation day and say "well, it was bound to happen some time considering the shady activities he/she is involved with on a daily basis."

or maybe i'm just too callous when i'm on my period. hmmm...

and unfortunately, since i'm all contemplative already, i sit and catch up on a few blogs i follow since i haven't done that in many moons. namely my two friends' baby blogs chronicling their experiences with their first baby. i'm reading about trimesters, sex of the babies, maternity clothes as well as baby clothes, baby names and sonograms. then i get ready to write my blog and i've got nothing but pics from a recent comic convention to share. it just seemed so trivial compared to bringing a new life into the world. and i'm not even sure if it's a slight hint of jealousy or just feeling really tired from being at work all day. either way, i felt deflated. gosh i hope it's not the first thing cuz goodness knows i'm not ready for all that baby stuff. but again, in my contemplative state, i can't help but wonder - OR AM I!?!?